Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What, I wondered, did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.



I added that I probably shouldn’t ( I ended up in hospital last time)



....but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I/Vs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.



(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both!



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.



I'm now banned from Woolworths......



Better watch what you ask retired people!! They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say...



(Didn't like shopping there anyway...!!)

Love that one Fwed. :lol:



*************





Lessons of Marriage

At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.



"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"



Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!

Subject: FW: Old man and his wife





The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.



He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.



He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.



Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'



As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.



People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'



Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered

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'THE TEETH'

































































































































































? ? ? ?

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.



One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.



The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.



Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.



On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"



The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."



Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."



So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.



Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.



Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"



Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"



The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.



The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

You tell a good story koko ............... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thankyou sir. :cheese:

She answered

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‘THE TEETH’



:-P



Couple of good ones made me chuckle koko

Good on you Fwed. It's good to have a laugh away from the serious stuff. :coolsmile: :cheese:

This was in the New York Times today, scroll down to the video. Love the bit about America being owned by China



http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/

Well some are not too bad and the donkey joke reminded me of this one.



SAS new recruit is going through the parachute training and is bit nervous about the whole thing.

He asks the instrutor what he can do if his parachute does not open.

He was shown how to get rid of the tangled main chute and deploy the emergency one.

But what if that does not work either he asks and was told that the only thing to do then is to pray to Allah.



The big day arrives and they are all to have their first jumps.

Sure enough our hero has problems and his main chute hits the tail fin on the 'plane and tears open.

He is falling to earth at a great speed now and he remembers his training and uses the emergency one but it splits into pieces due to his great speed.

He again remembers training and yells out Allah Save ME SAVE ME.

A huge black hand comes out of the clouds and catches him and lowers him gently onto the ground.

He lies there shivering and so grateful for his lucky escape from certain death and he quietly says to himself "Geesh the was close...........thank god i'm ok".

He hears ÏNFIDEL".

At that moment a huge black foot comes down from the clouds and stamps on him crushing him like a ripe tomato.

;-) At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.



"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"



"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.



"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" :lol:

[size=6][/size]

mr.giggle brought his wife to see the doctor my wife has a fever .doctor said mr. giggle what happened the doctor asked oh she had a hot time in bed last night mr.giggle replied









a woman went to see a doctor with a baby that was underweight the doctor weight the boy and agreed with the woman

then he sat her on the chair and started to examine her twins boobs i mean no wonder your child is not puting on weight my dear woman said the doctor you are not feeding him

no said the woma

n i am his grand mother but i am glad that i came today

sorry if this joke is too rude please excuse

You found a joke forum Lin San :lol:

Good jokes.



Seeing how it's the Queen's Birthday holiday I thought I would hunt out this old one :)



At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.



This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.



Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.



Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.



She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."



George W replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby ended. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, The couple took him without hesitation.



On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.



After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"



The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

:lol: