Thanks koko I nearly posted it myself ..............well done ............... :lol:

[b]The Gravy Ladle[/b]



Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate, Jennifer, was. Ben's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye.



Reading his mum's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'



About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'



Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:



Dear Mum,



I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Ben



Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:



Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum



LESSON OF THE DAY -

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[color=blue] LESSON OF THE DAY -

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[/color]



Amen to that fwed

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was an angry looking woman . He gave her his name.



In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'



DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

-------------------------

Health and Nutrition





-------------------------

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.



CONCLUSION:



Eat and drink what you like.



Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Yep thats a true story ............... :lol:

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."



Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.



Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."



The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.



She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.



He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.



The only question asked was:-



"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"







The survey was a huge failure because of the following:



In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.



In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.



In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.



In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.



In France they didn't know what "please" meant.



In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



And finally.......In Canada and Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the researcher's Indian accent.



...

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.





Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'



Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

:-)

Murphy, Casey and Leary were sitting on a park bench discussing where to go for their daily beer.

Murphy said, "I t'ink we go to Halloran's, you buy a beer, he buys a beer". "No" said Casey. "I t'ink we go to Finnegan's, you buy a beer, he buys you 2 beers, and so on". "Today", said Leary, "I t'ink we go across town to Malone's, you buy a beer, he buys you a beer, then another, then another, then another and then he takes you in the back room to get laid". "Must be a good pub", the other 2 reply. "Is it really so good?". "Well, I don't know from experience, but it was my sister who told me!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.



'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.



'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.



A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.



'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.



Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'



On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

:lol:

A man took his dog to the vet as the dog seemed unwell. The vet picked up the dog and looked in its ears, then its mouth, then its eyes and said to the owner, "I'm sorry, I have to put him down". "Oh dear" said the owner, " Is it so serious". "No", said the vet, "It's just that he is very heavy!".

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.





David Bissonette





























After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.





Sacha Guitry



























By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.





Socrates





























Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.





Anonymous



























The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?





Dumas



























I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.



Sigmund Freud



























'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'





Anonymous



























'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'



Sam Kinison



























'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'





James Holt McGavra



























Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.





Patrick Murra



























The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...





Nash



















You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Anonymous



























My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.





Henny Youngman



























A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.





Rodney Dangerfield



























A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'



Anonymous



























First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'





Anonymous

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"