Where to eat.

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should



meet for dinner.







Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum



Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and



nice breasts.







10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again



they discuss and discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed



upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food



there is very good and the wine selection is also good.







10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again



they discuss and discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed



upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can



eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.







10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again



they discuss and discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed



upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the



restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.







10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again



they discuss and discuss where they should eat. Finally it is agreed



upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they heard



it's good and they have never been there before!



:lol:

[u] A Groaner....sorry.[/u]





Painting the Church



There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.







As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.



Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.



So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..



Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.















Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:



"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"



And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..







(you're going to love this)











"Repaint! Repaint!







And thin no more!

Well it might be a groaner koko but its good for a laugh ...........especially if you do not see it coming

The True Origin of the Internet



In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com

did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.





And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called



'Amazon Dot Com'.



And she said unto Abraham, her husband,



'Why dost thou travel far from

town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'



And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags

short of a camel load, but simply said,



'How, dear?'



And Dot replied,



'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'



Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with

the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete(look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.



They were called



Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.



And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.



And Dot did say,



'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'



And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it

came to be known 'eBay' he said,



'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied,



'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'



'YAHOO!'



exclaimed Abraham.



And that is how it all began.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.





David Bissonette





























After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.





Sacha Guitry



























By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.





Socrates





























Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.





Anonymous



























The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?





Dumas



























I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.



Sigmund Freud



























'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'





Anonymous



























'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'



Sam Kinison



























'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'





James Holt McGavra



























Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.





Patrick Murra



























The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...





Nash



















You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Anonymous



























My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.





Henny Youngman



























A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.





Rodney Dangerfield



























A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'



Anonymous



























First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'





Anonymous

___________________________________________________________________________

Hope this is not the way men do treat women or speak about them to be honest.



YOUR Poor Wife Clay. Is this reminiscent of you???

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door

neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and

hours.. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of

this". She goes downstairs.



The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is

still barking, What have you been doing?"



The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like

it!



..

Are You Lonesome Tonight



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfPgSzcu9RY&feature;=related

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'



'How much do you charge?'







'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.







'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.



'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'



'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'



'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'



FORGET THE SHRINKS...



HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

...

NEW FROM A FRIEND IN ENGLAND:



I have just applied for planning permission to build a new home.



It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.



It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.



The Council Planning Department told me to SOD off.



So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.



Work starts on Monday...







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.













So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.



He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'



'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''



The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

******************************************************************

Two Blondes





Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.



When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'



'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'



'No, I'm sorry.'



' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '



'Will it take ME ?'

*******************************************************

How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

Unfaithful Wife

A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me? "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram."

:-P

..........

A blonde sees her twin sister on the other side of the river.

"How do get over to the other side" she calls

"Silly thing" says her sister "you are on the other side"