Midday Smiles.
( Variation of an Oldie)
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?
One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his Sweatshirt
Seconds after he stepped
into the laundry room,
he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say
blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.........
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
:lol:
Two men were hiking in the mountains.
After a few hours, they realised they were lost.
They climbed to the highest point they could see, then one of
the men cupped his hands to his mouth and called out, "Helllloooooo!
Where are we?" They heard the echo bouncing off the walls of the
canyons surrounding them.
Some 15 minutes later, they heard an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!".
The other man said, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!".
Puzzled, the first man said, "Why do you say that?".
"Three reasons," replied his friend, "Firstly, he took a long
time to answer.
Secondly, he was absolutely correct.
And thirdly, his answer was absolutely useless.".
:cheese:
[color=blue] “Firstly, he took a long
time to answer.
Secondly, he was absolutely correct.
And thirdly, his answer was absolutely useless.”.
[/color]
Good one koko..............
A little old lady who had lived in Melbourne and worked hard all
her life planned a trip to Cairns.
After her return, she was talking to her friend, who asked her
how she liked Cairns.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there." The friend asked,
"What do you mean, you never got there?" The little old lady answered,
"When you get to my age, you have to stop at every rest area and
they all say 'clean bathrooms'.
Well, when you have to do that every time, it takes longer than you think!"..
Ahmed Ranjit Oluwalu lands at Heathrow on a jumbo jet from foreign lands and talks his way past the immigration officer with a sorry, contrived tale of woe, misery and persecution.
He’s sitting in the hall wondering how he’s going to get by when he feels a light tug at the leg of his pyjamas and
looks down to see a tiny man with large ears and a pointy hat.
“Who are you?” says Ahmed.
The little man replies “I’m the immigration fairy”.
“As the one thousandth sorry case to blag his way into the U.K. today I can grant you three wishes.”
Ahmed can’t believe his luck but ponders on his choices for a moment ,
“First of all I’d like to be wealthy beyond anything I could have made back in my homeland.”
The fairy claps his hands and says “It is done”
Ahmed finds he has a state benefits book in his hands. Ahmed goes on to say “Thank you kind fairy”,
“Now I’d like to live for free in a wonderful home grander than anything I could have built out of mud back home”
The fairy claps his hands and says “It is done.”
Ahmed finds he’s holding the keys to a five bedroomed council house in Bradford.
Ahmed can’t believe his luck but thinks his next choice will be the clincher to beat his wildest fantasies.
“Fairy,” he says “I want to fit in and be treated like I’ve lived here all my life”.
“Make me an Englishman.”
The fairy claps his hands and says “It is done”
Ahmed finds he’s white skinned, blonde haired and dressed in a pinstripe suit, with an umbrella
But the house keys and his benefit book have disappeared.
Dismayed he asks the fairy “What happened to my other wonderful gifts?”
The fairy replies “Well, Sunshine”.
“If you want to live like a white Englishman in the U.K.”
Then you’re entitled to
F**k All.”
Copied this off another forum but forgot to take the link - sorry but worth a laugh anyway.
Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Julia.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
Yes I like that one ...............clay
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man
in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the
window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man,
obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly
answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his
car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds
to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
That's right. Well, I
guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the youngman select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it
into the trunk of his car.Then the cowboy says to
the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks abit for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
You work for the
Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
Wow! That's correct,'
says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.'
answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you
want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You
used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You
tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
It's harder to tell navy from black.
When people say you look "Great", they add "for your age."
When you needed the discount you had to pay full price. Now you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights... and you don't feel like going.
You ask your husband or wife how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything... especially golf.
You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then you do in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep."
You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
You use more 4 letter words... "what?", "when?"
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it before.
Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
Everybody whispers.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.
But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, best of all: OLD FRIENDS.
When I retired I had 5 suits hanging in my wardrobe and in no time at all they shrunk 2 sizes............ :lol:
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
...
:lol:
:lol: @ Clay.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
:-)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ..............Hi koko ..............
Subject: Fw: Don't call home for money!
DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did."
;-)