:-) HOW GEEZERS DRESS: A GUIDE



Many of us of a certain age are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:



A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support hose

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedo's and cellulite

A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

Inline skates and a walker

The dead parrot







At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the

Caretaker at your country house.'



'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'



'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'



'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'



'Si, Senor, that's the one.'



'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'



'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'



'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'



'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'



'Dead horse? What dead horse?'



'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'



'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'



'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'



'Are you insane?? What water cart?'



'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'



'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'



'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'



'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'



'Yes, Senor Rod.'



'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'



'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'



'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I

thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made R9 460 driver.'



SILENCE . . ... . .. . .. . ..LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . . ....



.............

'Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep s**t





:lol:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.



2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.



3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.



6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.



9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.



10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..



11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.



12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.



14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?



15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.



17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?



18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?



20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?



21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'



22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"



The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.



"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"



There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"



:lol:

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.



She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.



The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"



The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."



:lol:

:-) :lol: :lol:

this one may be a little cynical BUT:-



PARENT: Job Description

If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!



POSITION:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop



JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.



RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to

60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute; an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.



POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None!

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.



PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.



WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this!

You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.



BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.



Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they may be appreciated for the fabulous job they do/have done... or forward, with love, to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

AND A FOOTNOTE...





'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT---EVER!!

Cynical? - No! - It is lovely Innes! :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."



The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.



The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.



So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!.... the husband became 93 years old.



The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.....!

Hi Lark, I presume, from that crappy story, that you are a lover of justice.

Good one. I will remember, when I meet a fairy.

Hi Innes, - don't worry, this is an outdated "crappy" (well, thanks!) story ... there are boy fairies as well .... ;-)

A Blonde GUY joke



..... And well worth the wait!







An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.







They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'







The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'







The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'







The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.







The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.







The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.







At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'







The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'







(Oh this is GOOD!!)







Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,







'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

:lol:

Come on Koko. Blond jokes are only about women. Men are automatically excluded from all tales of this nature. Besides, it doesn't matter how good the tale is, I am not going out on a limb to tell this to my mates. They would not see anything funny.

Well they are definitely different to the men that I know then ..............We laughed and laughed ..........give us some more koko .......... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Innes...coward! :-P Go on..be brave. :cheese:



Clay...will do. ;-)