On A Lighter Note.
If I keep stress eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
Every few days try your jeans on to make sure they fit, pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Being Quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.
Since we are all in quarantine, I guess we'll be making inside jokes from now on.
I'm not talking to myself, I'm having a Parent Teacher conference.
Why did the experts lie? They said a mask and gloves were enough to wear to the grocery store, when I got there everyone else had clothes on.
This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat, it was obvious she thought the cat understood her. I came in to my house, told the dog, we laughed a lot.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said,
"Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,
"SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out , but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?”
“No,” she replied.
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
Squirrels in Church
The local Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
An Elderly Couple Are At Maccas
They order one meal between the two of them and go and sit down.
The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.
The elderly man says, "No thank you, we share everything."
The elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half to his wife. She starts to eat and the elderly man just sits there.
The guy in the booth looks over again and this time notices the elderly man isn't eating yet.
So he asks, "Why aren't you eating as well?
The elderly man replies, "I'm waiting for the dentures."
I went fishing one morning, but after a short time, I ran out of prawns.
Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in its mouth…
Frogs are good barra bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the problem was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that bloody snake with two more frogs!
