Laugh a Day will keep the doctor away
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should position my banking card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
I hate this getting older stuff.
Biker Story
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding North on the F3 (M1) when they saw a girl about to jump off the Mooney Mooney Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their Master at Arms, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the NSW Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Babe.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the policeman, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had,Honey!
That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.*
Blind Bunny
A blind bunny was hopping down the trail tripped over a large snake and fell, 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'It was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
the bunny replied, Well, you're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...
You must be a"POLITICIAN"
The singing dog
This is so funny and clever,
I know you’ll get a kick out of it.
Be sure to watch....very good.
Enjoy.
Still rolling on the floor with laughter ... just read this on the Main Forum, so in case any of you have missed it.
Catholic parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest asks.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaims.
Then he thinks for a moment and says, “You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
“Bring your two parrots over to my house and we’ll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responds, “this may very well be the solution.
The next day, the woman takes her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees that his two male parrots are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Then, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and says, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
Catholic Wedding in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peterto process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???
A Psychiatrist
During a recent visit to a mental asylum, a man asked the director,
“How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”
“Well”, said the director,
“We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I see, so a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or tea cup” I replied.
“No”, said the director, “a normal person would pull the plug ..... Do you want a bed near the window?”
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in National Health Service .
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.