A smile to end the day.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
A travel agent said to his customer, "I can get you three days and two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks."
"How come so cheap?" replied the customer.
The travel agent replied, "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The nights are July 21 and 22."
:coolsmile:
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
>
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And the princess said, "Pardon?"
:lol:
She must have been hard of hearing ............poor fellow .......he may be better off staying single ......... :long:
I became confused when I heard the word "service" ,used with the following agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.
;-)
GLOBAL FACTS
At Any Given Moment:
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT:
1 old timer is reading this post
You hang in there, Sunshine . .
FACT:
1 old timer is reading this post
...............
How did you know mate ............... :coolmad:
Hi Clay, Would you tell keandha, he got it wrong, again. There were 2 of us!!!
Yes will do ........... :lol: :lol:
Insults, When They had Class
-------------------------
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
:) %-P
And Thats When The Fight Started
...........
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she answered.I then said, "Is that your final answer?"She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."So I said, "....Then I'd like to phone a friend...."And that's when the fight started...........................
... I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"And that's when the fight started.
............................................................... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,'The weather out there is terrible.'My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'And that’s when the fight started
.. ..............................................................................A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'That must be my husband!'So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'And that’s when the fight started.
.... ..........................................................................I tried to talk my wife into buying a case ofBud Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.And that’s when the fight started..
.. .......................................................................................A woman was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that’s when the fight started.
.... ...........................................................................I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."And that’s when the fight started.
.. ..............................................................................My wife and I were sitting at a table at myhigh school reunion,and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging herdrink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a personcould go on celebrating that long?'And that’s when the fight started.
.. ................................................................................After retiring, I went to the Social Security office toapply for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left mywallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proofenough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'And that’s when the fight started..
............................................................................ My wife sat down on the couch next to me asI was flipping channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?'I said, 'Dust.'And that’s when the fight started..
................................................................................ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'I bought her a scale.And that’s when the fight started.
..............
There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking
for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says,
"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of
the road."
They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in
the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to
swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The one blonde says to the other:
"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
:lol: Clay and Lark. Very good . Keep em coming. :lol:
We will try koko .................. :coolgrin:
Synagogue message-board
Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new
fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."