A smile to end the day.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Some of the artists of the 60’s
are revising their hits.
They include;
Hermans Hermits – Mrs Brown you’ve got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees – How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack – First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon – 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores – Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye – Heard it through the grape nuts.
Procol Harem – A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer – You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations – Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba – Denture Queen
Helen Reddy – I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore – It’s my proceedure and I’ll cry if I want to.
And my favourite…
Willy Nelson – On the commode again.
Its sooooo dry in Victoria that........
HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
If the England cricket team wasn’t touring we’d never see ducks.
The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
We’re actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
You’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
I’m encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
Jesus has turned the wine into water
We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it was so they could walk to Australia.
Everyone is now an expert - because you can’t find anyone who is wet behind the ears.
All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.
I’ve sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through !
Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here ?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
On a transatlantic flight, A plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. I'm too young to
die,she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
starts to walk slowly up the aisle , unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time...........
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt...............
Muscles ripple across his chest...........
She gasps......................
He whispers..................
"Iron this...then get me a beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. Sit in a Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
14 When in the fitting room yell out there is no toilet paper in here
15. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow" ~ Albert Einstein
Excellent everyone.
It's good to have a laugh.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
[color=purple]Divine Intervention [/color]
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
:)
You get some good ones koko....thanks ......... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
You're welcome. :-)
How do you decide whom to marry ---
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff . Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming .
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry . God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with .
-- Kristen, age 10
2 . WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then .
-- Camille, age 10
3 . HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids .
-- Derrick, age 8
4 . WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids .
-- Lori , age 8
5 . WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other . Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough .
-- Lynnette, age 8
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date .
-- Martin, age 10
6 . WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich .
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that .
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them . It's the right thing to do .
- - Howard, age 8
7 . IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys . Boys need someone to clean up after them . -- Anita, age 9
8 . HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
9 . HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck .
-- Ricky, age 10
[color=purple]Very good, Lark.
**************************************
[b]Marriage Quotes [/b]
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield
"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason." Molly McGee
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." Mickey Rooney
"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." Helen Rowland
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." Rita Rudner
[/color]
[color=purple][size=3]A humorous 4 minute slide show.
http://www.thelaughtermovie.com/[/size][/color]
Just ? the Irish!
Paddy opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Paddy. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
THIS WEEK'S BEST BLONDE JOKE
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Thanks Peter.
:)