:))))

Thank you koko - nice one. Blondes aren't so dumb after all.

Good one koko ..........thanks ......clay

That will keep me laughing while I do the dishes before hitting the hay :):)

MEN’S FAVOURITE JOKE OF THE YEAR …………………………







Two women were sitting together, quietly.

[color=purple]Saturday's Blonde joke.

.

.

Two blonde men were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.



The other blonde guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"



The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"



The second blonde guy got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON! The nails that are pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"









[/color]

Hello All.

This joke has been around a couple of times.

I include it in case someone has missed it.



Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed

The pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.



One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and

Figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't

Shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since

The only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know

Where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.



A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,

But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --

There sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'



Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'



'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for? '



'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little Blondie

Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'



'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'



'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old,

I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'



'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Good one, PeterJ.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Seven Stages of Sickness for Married Couples



1ST YEAR: The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."



2ND YEAR: "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"



3RD YEAR: "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"



4TH YEAR: "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"



5TH YEAR: "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"



6TH YEAR: "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"



7TH YEAR: "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Hello Koko!

Yes that's also a good one!

The only surprise is that it took 7 years to get to the 7TH.. stage.

Best wishes.

Peter J.

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'



Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?



---------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.



----------------------------------------------------------



The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-----------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

-----------------------------------



Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.



------------------------------------



Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'



Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."



Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'



Carl said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'



------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'



--------------------------------------





John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.

Of course, John,'his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'



--------------------------------



A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.









:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

---WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?



(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.



A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!



Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.



When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.



They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'



They don't say, 'Hurry up.'



Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.



They wear glasses and funny underwear.



They can take their teeth and gums out.



Grandparents don't have to be smart.



They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' a nd 'How come dogs chase cats?'



When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.



Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.



They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.





A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''



GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!



It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.



Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.







:lol:

[b][u]A few oldies.[/u][/b]





Tommy Cooper - Cooperisms



A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. You're ugly as well.'



"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"



A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go there any more"



I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.



"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"



"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"



Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.



"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Hello Koko.

Yes, oldies but good.

Best wishes.

Peter J.