Like many grandparents across Australia, About Seniors subscriber, Eric, is facing the difficult task of explaining to his grandson the breakdown of his parents’ relationship. Have you found yourself in the same situation and have some thoughts or ideas for Eric?

Q. Eric
How do I explain to my six-year old grandson that his daddy is leaving his mummy, himself and his younger brother and will be living with another woman?
The question hasn’t come up yet but I am sure it will in the very near future as his father has now moved out.
This scenario seems to be happening more and more in our society, perhaps a series on this type of situation would be of assistance to many people such as myself, who are grandparents and are also part of a very upsetting and sad situation.

A. Eric, sadly, as you say, this scenario is happening more and more in today’s society and as a result, there is help out there for grandparents such as yourself who find themselves in a difficult and heartbreaking situation.

Firstly, and perhaps irrelevantly, you do not say whether it is your son or son-in-law who has left the family home but I will assume you are taking a major role in support of your daughter. This is important. While you feel the weight of the whole situation falls on your shoulders, it should be your daughter who, with your support, is explaining this to her son. It is important in the early days of a relationship breakdown that children feel their parents are being open and honest with them and not deserting them. I would therefore urge you to allow your daughter to explain to your grandson what is happening and reassure him that he is loved, supported and will have people there for him whenever he needs them.

Of course, in support of your daughter you will no doubt be spending more time with your grandson so may face the inevitable questions about where his father is and why he left. You should be honest in the kindest way you can. Even at only six-years old your grandson will be aware of more than you realise and if he feels he is being misled, this may lead to a lack of trust in the adults that remains for a long time.

Also, as much as it may pain you, you must not bad-mouth his father. Apart from what he has done that may have caused the end of the relationship with your daughter, he is still the father of your grandchildren. Your grandson will obviously be hurt and confused and adding any more misery in the form of bad feeling for his father will not help him deal with the situation.

All this aside, it is apparent that you care deeply for your grandson and will now be a major part of his life, possibly the most significant male role model he has in the coming years. You must continue to nurture this relationship and put your trust and faith in this young boy to accept the breakdown of his parents’ relationship and to come out the other end with few emotional scars.

Explain to him that families come in all shape and sizes. Indeed, as he is at school, he will be aware of children who have only one parent, are raised by grandparents, foster parents or maybe even have same-sex parents – families are no longer mum, dad and the kids. It may be useful to speak to his teacher and find out if he is withdrawn or has mentioned the situation in class. Children are often less guarded at school and can be more open about things that are bothering them. Teachers also deal with relationship breakdowns frequently and can be an invaluable source of information.

Don’t underestimate the toll the strain may take on your own health and relationships. Consult your GP who can provide details of support groups and if necessary, arrange for you to see a counsellor to help you deal with the situation.

Make sure your daughter is coping also. It is common for people to become martyrs or breakdown completely when faced with such emotional turmoil and she may need your support more than she is letting on.

If it is your son who has ended the relationship to be with someone else, then you may want to satisfy yourself of your grandparental rights. When relationships breakdown it is often the grandparents who are denied access to their grandchildren. The legal system may be far from perfect but you do have rights. If you can’t afford to consult a solicitor, there are several organisations which can advise you of action you can take or there may be Community Legal Centre nearby which can offer free legal advice.

Eric, this is a difficult time for you and your family but it is important that you realise you are not alone and there is help on offer. Your grandson will appreciate any time you can take to spend with him, reassuring him that he is as special as he always has been and in no way are the actions of his father any reflection on him. Mostly, he needs to feel loved and wanted and that is something that grandparents are rather good at.

More information
Grandparents Australia – 03 0372 2422 - email: [email protected]
Families Australia – www.familesaustralia.org.au
Family Relationship Services Australia - http://www.frsa.org.au/site/Grandparent_carers.php
Relationships Australia - http://www.relationships.com.au/
National Association of Community Legal Centres - http://www.naclc.org.au/