Should they stay where they are?
Q. Paul
My parents are keen to make the move into a new retirement village which is being developed near where they live, but I’m concerned it’s not the right move for them. My mother has been diagnosed with low grade dementia and I don’t think that removing her from her existing environment is the best move.
Also, what happens if they move in and decide they don’t like it? Will they be stuck in a retirement village that they can’t leave?
I think the move is being driven by my dad as he’s worried about coping with my mum’s condition. Surely she’s not able to fully comprehend the enormity of the move?
How can I stop them from making a big mistake?
A. While I understand your concern, your parents are both adults and, as such, should be allowed to make the decision on where they live. I’m sure they’ve both discussed at length the reasons for wanting to move into a retirement village and have weighed up the pros and cons.
Your mother has only low grade dementia, which means that her memory may not be what it used to, but that does not mean she is unable to understand the consequences of the decisions she is making. Her condition may remain stable for several years and, if she is getting the correct treatment, may not deteriorate at all. Your father may be driving the move as he is aware that it’s important for your mother to familiarise herself with any new environment before her condition declines, if indeed it ever does. Or perhaps they’ve simply both decided that the community support offered by the retirement village is what they both want.
In regards to what might happen if they dislike the village, it is important before they sign any paperwork that they fully understand the costs and legalities involved with moving out. While it’s more complicated than simply selling a home you don’t like, they can’t be forced to stay there if the choose not to.
A retirement village is not an aged care facility and, if your father is indeed struggling to deal with your mother’s condition, then he may not get the help in this environment which you believe he is seeking. Also, if you feel your mother is not able to understand the decisions she is making, then you also need to broach this subject with them both. Rather than making assumptions about what is driving your father, or what your mother comprehends, you should discuss your concerns with them openly and honestly.
Do you think Paul is right to be concerned about his mother and father's decision? Or should he simply let them choose where they want to live?
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For the articles that I do read, even if I do not comment, I like to read others’ remarks. Unfortunately I sometimes (or even often) give up because I figure life is too short to read the political argy bargy and/or bickering to which all too many of the discussions descend.
Congratulations and thanks to all who have commented here to date. The mature and thoughtful remarks have been interesting and helpful to me as a widow of five years.