Q. Trudie
My friend has fallen apart since her 30-year marriage ended – one day her husband just announced he’d had enough and moved out. He hasn’t even had the decency to move to another suburb. She is constantly bumping into him, at such times he just smiles and says hello as if she’s no more than a passing acquaintance. It’s as though he is taunting her and trying to push her over the edge.

He has provided well for her and hasn’t left her short, but I think this is due to guilt. Some years back he had an affair with a much younger neighbour, which my friend never found out about, and ended when the neighbour moved away. I am very tempted to tell her about his bad behaviour during their marriage, as I think it would help her snap out of this slump she is in and spur her on to get revenge. Do you think it would be wise to do so?

A. Hold on there Trudie! Before you go jumping in with both feet, consider how your friend is feeling and if your sudden revelation would have your desired effect.

The break-up of your friend’s marriage is sad and I’m sure you are giving her all the support she needs. The end of a relationship affects different people in different ways. While the husband seems to have got off scot-free, no one really knows how he is feeling or what actually led to the demise of their relationship.

What goes on behind closed doors in a marriage is known only by the two people involved and while I’m not suggesting your friend hasn’t been honest with you, she may holding back on some of the finer details of her marriage problems.
There is every chance your friend already knows about her husband’s indiscretion, but chooses not to share with you as she is embarrassed, or thinks it’s none of your business. Let’s face it, women are very perceptive and if you know about the husband’s affair, then he wasn’t very good at keeping it secret, was he?

Think about why you really want to tell your friend. Is it to assuage your own guilt at not having told her sooner? Or do you hold some kind of grudge against her husband and can’t bear to see him go unpunished? By telling your friend you will have to own up to knowing about the affair and not telling her sooner. She may see this as just one more betrayal, and one which she simply finds too difficult to come to terms with.

Sometimes least said is soonest mended and I think your support and effort would be put to much better use by helping your friend reclaim her life. As you have said, she is at least fortunate enough not to have to worry about the financial side of separation and while this may be little comfort at the moment, this is one hurdle she doesn’t have to jump.

Suggest some social activities you can do together. If there is a chance that she will bump into her ex, then try some activities or events out of your local area. Get her to start treating herself - a day at the hair salon or a bit of retail therapy may seem shallow, but the more she starts to think of herself, the less she’ll be thinking of her relationship breakdown. Also, try not to be negative about her ex. I understand it is difficult, but you don’t know if their relationship is well and truly over. Many a friendship has come unstuck over nasty comments remembered once a relationship is back on track. Also, rather than focusing on the bad things, being more positive and focusing on your friend will help her to see things in a different light and move on when she’s ready.