A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities. She received back the following reply:


National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound
concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a
new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called
'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem'
will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that
you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember
that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as
described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.


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