How Can I Stop My Father Frittering Away His Money?
This month Claire is concerned that her recently widowed father is spending all his time and money at the pokies and is worried that they will be the ruin of him.
[b]Q. Claire[/b]
My mum and dad were always close, doing everything and going everywhere together. Sadly, she passed away quite suddenly six months ago and for a while, I thought my dad was coping pretty well, still getting out and about and keeping busy. He lives about an hour’s drive from me and I see him at least once a week. Recently, when I’ve visited he’s been out and I let myself in and waited for him to return. Just last week I noticed there was a pile of red bills stuffed at the back of a drawer. When I asked my dad about them, he became defensive, angry and really quite hurtful, saying I was never there to help him and knew nothing about what he was going through. I left very upset and was later called by one of his friends who told me he was spending hours on end at the local club playing the pokie machines. I’m now concerned he has a gambling habit but after his uncharacteristic outburst, I don’t know how to tackle him about it? Can you advise where I should start?
[b]A. Claire, [/b]
many people think that spending a few dollars on pokie machines is harmless, and it is if that is all it is. As appears to be the case with your father, and some 300,000 other Australians, he has become addicted to the lure of the lights and the promise of a big win. But quite simply, the more you play, the more you lose.
Having spent all his time with his beloved wife, the loss of this relationship has hit him hard. As can be the case when one member of a couple dies, their friends can fall away or the remaining member can withdraw from that social network. Your father has been looking for something to occupy his time and to give him a bit of a lift. Sadly, with no-one to reign him in he appears to have taken the fun too far.
Firstly, you must not lose contact with your father over his reaction to your questioning. He is probably embarrassed about his addiction and worried about how he is going to pay the backlog of bills he has accrued. It is understandable that you have your own life and live some distance from your father but perhaps you could try visiting a little more often and reconnecting with him as father and daughter. If you are in a position to do so, maybe you could ask him to come and stay with you for a while. A change of scenery and removal from the gambling environment he craves may assist him in breaking this habit. If this isn’t an option, call on his friends, who may be aware of or suspect he has a problem and ask for their support by way of visiting him more often. The Relationships Australia website (http://www.relationships.com.au/advice/problem-gambling) can assist with support and strategies for reaching out to your father and how to approach the subject of his gambling in a non-confrontational way.
Next, you need to arm yourself with information and support. Gambling is a problem which can be overcome but there is no quick or easy fix. Support is funded by state and territory governments so the resources available vary depending on where you live. Visit Centrelink to find a support service near you. (http://www.centrelink.gov.au/internet/internet.nsf/services/gamb.htm)
Hopefully this will arm you with the tools to approach the subject with your father and assist him in getting help for his problem. Initially, your father may be reluctant to speak to someone face-to-face and this is where the internet can be such a powerful tool. Gambling Help Online (http://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/) can provide online counselling, explain how the process works, provide strategies for breaking the habit and some cold, hard facts about how no-one ever gets rich and stays rich by gambling.
Importantly, you or your father need to deal with the red bills he is receiving. Companies will often be compassionate and willing to put payment plans in place, but only if they are contacted directly and in a timely manner. Financial counselling may also help you and your father get his finances back on track.YOURLifeChoices has provided some useful organisations which provide this service. (http://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/index.php/articles/category/seniors_finance#counselling_and_financial_difficulty)
Finally, getting your dad some bereavement counselling may help him deal with the void that has been left by your mother’s death. The Australian Council for Grief and Bereavement (http://www.grief.org.au/grief_and_bereavement_support) will be able to provide information and help you locate a counsellor or support group which suits your father.
Once your father has tackled all these issues, he will hopefully have a more positive outlook on life and will be willing to start socialising again. You can help him find a suitable club in his local area by using the YOURLifeChoices link below.
(http://www.yourlifechoices.com.au/index.php/the_meeting_place/viewthread/2359/)
Polly, both you and your father have difficult and confronting times ahead but hopefully we have pointed you in the right direction and the outcome is a positive one.
Some very good advice in the previous post.
I would also suggest making an appointment to have a quiet talk with his GP to put him in the picture. Your father is probably very depressed and may need medication or other help. Suicide is sometimes also a danger, so it would be a good idea to get information on what signs to look out for.
Perhaps he is not eating or caring for himself properly. Try bringing him meals which only need reheating. You could also organise Meals on Wheels (through a doctor, local hospital, or Social Worker). Cleaning, gardening or other services can also be arranged - which also has the benefit of having different people going to the house - preferably on different days.
You could try to get him involved in groups or activities outside the home e.g. Mens Sheds, Seniors Day trips or similar. Also try to include him in family activities - even if it involves going and picking him up. Gently remind him that his wife would have wanted him to remain involved in life - especially the family.
Perhaps your mother used to quietly do most of the financial management and your father is finding it too difficult. Suggest that he might (as a temporary measure only) like you or someone else to take over paying the bills. You could also suggest he has bills paid by Direct Debit so he doesn't have to deal with them.
Six months is a very short time after losing a spouse. It took me at least three years to really get over the loss of my husband (even though it was not unexpected as he had been terminally ill for at least seven years). You do the bare minimum and put on a front when you have to be with other people. You think you are managing ok and you don't want to reveal your distress or needs to others. Sometimes, also, people can be very thoughtless e.g. pushing you to find someone to replace your spouse - or to "buck up" and get on with life "it has been long enough". Never, ever say this sort of thing to someone who is depressed or bereaved..
I hope your father gets through this hard time without too many problems being created.