Home alone, what to do?
This month, About Seniors subscriber, Sally, is at her wits end with her hypochondriac father, who, at 81-years old is as fit as a fiddle, but won’t embrace his good health. How do you help an elderly person to accept their relative good health and help them make the most of their lives?
Q. Sally
I am sure my problem is one faced by lots of people. My father, who is 81½-years old, has become obsessed with his health. In fact his health is very good, but he believes there is something wrong with him all the time. He has never been very sociable, and is even less so now. He only has his family (me and two other daughters) and is turning all of us away because all he talks about is how “sick” he is. He seems to be selfish and self-centered, not caring what we are doing, or how we are. We would like to see him expand his horizons so that he has other things to think about, but just can’t convince him to do anything. Any suggestions?
A. Sally, you are not alone in having to deal with a parent who is proving difficult. As people get older they become more aware of their own mortality and frightened about what the future holds. I understand that his belligerent attitude makes him less and less pleasant to be around, but as you said, you are his only family. He is an old man, 811/2-years old to be exact, and while he may be hale and hearty, reaching this age is not something to be underestimated.
Your father lives alone, has no-one to talk to all day and his health is something on which he has decided to focus. He will be acutely aware that he is no longer able to do the things that he was once found easy. Sadly, your father will not always be with you, and as difficult as it may be, you and your sisters need to make the most of the time you have left with him.
Firstly, clear up the health worries he has. Make an appointment for you both to visit his doctor and discuss his health concerns. It could be that all he wants is for someone to take his concerns seriously. Once you have addressed his health issues, you can concentrate on helping him to find other outlets for his active imagination.
As you make no mention of your mother, I assume she is no longer alive or has chosen to live elsewhere. This may have been difficult for your father to come to terms with. Have you ever discussed with him how he feels about your mother and how her passing or leaving has affected him? Remember, this was a woman that he loved and with whom he expected to spend the rest of his life. Take time with him to remember the good old days, sort through old photos, read old letters and cards that may be available and help him focus on happier times.
To all of you he may seem selfish and self-centered and indeed, this may be his nature but it is also possible that he is losing his social skills by being on his own so much. Encourage him listen to what is going on in your lives, repeat yourself constantly if need be. Help him to understand how you live your lives, take him to your homes, and let him spend time away from his own home in a different environment. Take it gently at first, he is old and may need to be reassured that nothing will happen to him when he leaves the comfort of his own home.
Once he is confident about leaving his own home, try taking him to more social venues, such as the local library, bowling club, Rotary club or any other organisation that you think may interest him. Ask at your local library what’s on for people in his age group or contact your local seniors club for suggestions. You can find one in your area by clicking the About Seniors simple shortcut below.
http://www.aussieweb.com.au/directory/senior+citizens+clubs/
In order to broaden his horizons you could arrange some help for him at home. Perhaps there are little jobs around the house that need taking care of? Having different people in and out of the house will force him to be more social and will take some of the burden off you and your family. Commonwealth Carelink Centres will be able to advise you which services are available in your area to which you father may be entitled. You can find out more by clicking the About Seniors simple shortcut below.
http://www9.health.gov.au/ccsd/#3
Or perhaps there is a men’s Shed program nearby that can help him reconnect with his community. Find out if there’s one in your area by clicking the About Seniors simple shortcut below.
http://www.mensheds.com.au
Lastly, how about a bit of male company for your father? Being surrounded by females may make it difficult for him to open up. Also, he may not think it right for a father to discuss personal issues with his daughters. Perhaps if you or your sisters have husbands or partners with a little time on their hands, they could spend some one-on-one male bonding time with your dad.
Sally, I know this is a difficult time for you and your family but please try to keep in mind that your father spent most of his life providing for you and you sisters and simply loving you for the people that you are. I know you love your father but sometimes it’s difficult to deal with him and his problems. I hope the suggestions above make it that little bit easier for you and your father to enjoy the time you have together.
Do you have any suggestions for Sally and her father?
Seggie to Sally. Sally, it's not only the men who are like this. Mothers can be exactly the same. Not sociable at all except to the church where she merely said hello to some there and always left immediately after the service. No matter what we did, we could not get her to even be pleasant when we took her out to lunch or for a drive. Being obsessed with health, you first of all must take the good advice given previously but go to her doctor and explain that you want her to have a complete revision of her health. Even so, this may not help your father. Sometimes men do need men to talk to but if he won't join a club, maybe between his family, you could arrange (if he doesn't already get it) home help and that would at least have someone he could have a few minutes chat to every now and again. Otherwise, what about organising a definite (and I mean definite) morning, lunch or afternoon tea, taking him out even once a month so that he could have something to look forward to. It's no good saying 'see you later'. They need a definite day, of course, if that is possible. Do you ring him every day or every couple of days? What about grandchildren? Do they visit him? What were his interests in 'the old days'. We used to think that people got mellow when they got old. Unfortunately we have learned that they can get quite bitter and think the world owes them a living. We can only try and show them love even if you get the cold shoulder. We learned that the bitterness and almost hatred of everyone and everything stemmed from being scared but they had to pretend they were brave. If he won't go out, what are his favourite foods? Does he have a good sized new t.v.? Buy him his favourite biscuits, cakes or failing all else, get your family together, have a talk to them, grab your dad's face between yours and make him listen to how worried you all are about him and can help you get over this feeling? Sometimes if they think they can help you, that's all that's needed. Been there, done that. Good luck, Sally.