Help - my son is gay
Q. Marg
My son recently celebrated his 33rd birthday by breaking the news to me that he gay. Although assures me he doesn’t have a partner, I’m not so sure I believe him. He told me he has kept this secret for nearly 10 years because he knew I wouldn’t accept it. He also told me he has never been interested in women and believes he was born to be gay.
Being a Christian, this comes as a great shock to me and my cultural background makes it very hard for me to accept his sexuality. Now I am totally heartbroken and just don’t know how to handle this news. I want to seek some professional counselling but don’t know where to turn. Can you help or do you have any advice you can give me?
A. I am very sorry to hear what should have been a celebration has ended on a disappointing note for you. Finding out that a child is not the person you believed them to be can come as a shock and I understand your cultural and religious beliefs make it even more difficult to come to terms with.
Having said that, I would urge you to keep an open mind about your son's revelation that he is gay. The fact that he has kept a major part of who he is secret for ten years not only shows that he has worked through the issues surrounding being gay, but also that he has been aware how such a revelation would affect you and your relationship. It is important to remember that he is still your son and his sexuality doesn't change the person he is. If you loved and respected him before he told you he was gay, then you should keep this in mind over the next few months as your emotions and beliefs ultimately conflict with each other. I would also urge you to consider that your son has sought to be honest with you, this is important. He could have continued living a lie just to keep you happy, but this would just end up making him unhappy and possibly ill.
It is OK to feel angry, confused, embarrassed and disappointed; your son has just told you part of him is not the person you thought he was, but how you manage those feelings is important for your own health and wellbeing and the relationship you will have with your son going forward.
There are many support groups and organisations which can help you deal with your feelings. I have listed a few below and what they may be able to offer you. However, I would point out that you have a valuable resource in your son. Having spent many years coming to terms with his sexuality, culture and faith, he will be aware of organisations and counselling services to which you can turn for advice. I would also urge that if you are having difficulties coming to terms with this situation and it if is affecting your health, that you turn to your doctor for help. He or she will be able to arrange emergency counselling sessions for you. If you would prefer not to visit your family practitioner, then you can approach a doctor in a different practice.
Parents, families and friends of lesbians and gays (PFLAG)
PFLAG is a non-profit voluntary organisation whose members have a common goal of keeping families together. PFLAG is there to give help, support and information to families and friends of all gay people.
Switchboard
Although primarily offering support for gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual people themselves, Switchboard are happy to offer advice and support to family members.
Relationships Australia
Relationships Australia can offer counselling and help you understand your son's sexuality.
The Gay Christian Network
The Gay Christian network is a worldwide organisation which has an Australian branch and can offer support on matters of faith and sexuality.
Marg, I hope this has been helpful and you are able to take the first step in dealing with your son's sexuality. No response to this news is unnatural or wrong, so don't be hard on yourself for the way you feel. Do try to seek information and support from the correct people, this will help you and your son immensely.
I'll drink to that.
I must be missing something, where is the evidence that Marg doesn't love her son? Because that seems to be the constant and predictable theme of some posts. It is obviously wrong from reading her post, so why is it insinuated?
Isn't the point that she has religious beliefs and other ethical and health concerns? She wants what is best for her son and it is only natural that her own values and knowledge influence her judgement and advice. The son is responsible for his own choices and so is she, that is the difference.
But why shouldn't Marg be accorded the right to her religious beliefs? After all, the Anti-Discrimination Act 1991 prohibits discrimination on the grounds of religious belief or religious activity.
Yet the clear inference is that Marg has no right to her own beliefs (including religious beliefs), ethics, values and morality.
Why should she 'love' her son's sexuality, or even approve of it for that matter?
Why should she 'love' her son's 'partners', revolving door or otherwise? That is really getting into weird territory. No-one would seriously demand that of a parent of the heterosexual adult, that s/he 'love' the respective son or daughter in law and their sexual frolics.
Insisting on total acceptance and in fact 'love' of the son's gay sexuality and lifestyle as a prerequisite to and proof of parental love is emotional blackmail.