Q. Dianne
My mum died three years ago after a long illness. She was only 59-years old. The problem is my dad – he has just carried on with his life and didn’t seem to grieve or miss her at all. They were very close, spending all their time together but after she died, he kept on going to the clubs they enjoyed together, socialising with work-mates and, only six months after she died, he had an affair with a woman and has had several more since. This was difficult enough to take but he has now moved one of these women into the home he shared with mum and she’s talking about redecorating, wiping out all traces of my mother and frittering away dad’s money. My dad is 64-years old, surely he should know better? I’m devastated by all this and find myself unable to cope with it all – what can I do?

A. Dianne, it’s very difficult to lose a parent but to have watched your mother suffer for a long time beforehand was surely more painful. This would have been difficult for your father too. He has lost the woman he loved, his life partner, at an early age; too soon in his eyes.

Before your mum died I’m sure she and your father had many talks about what should happen after she was gone and they would have been able to grieve together. This is the one positive about knowing when you’re time together is nearing an end; you can make your feelings clear. Sadly, you may not have had this kind of chat with your mum, or perhaps she felt it was between her and your father.

Of course your dad misses your mum; she was the person with whom he spent all his spare time, enjoyed sharing his life with and he had to watch her suffer through a long illness. He was able to say goodbye to your mum while she was still alive and this may have given him an awareness that time is short and should be treasured.

While I understand that you loved your mum dearly, I am concerned that you haven’t grieved for her yourself or, are unable to let go of your grief and move on. Watching your mum suffer would have a lasting effect on how you remember her; you still think of her as a victim of a tragic illness, a frail woman unable to stand up for herself and you feel this is what you need to do now she’s gone. Try to think of your mum as she was when she was in good health and happy, how would she want you and your dad to live your lives?

It would be a good idea for you to seek some grief counseling, even if you’ve already had some, there still maybe issues you need to let go of before you can move on with your own life. Your GP can refer you under a mental health care plan which will entitle you to free or low-cost counselling. The Australian Counsel for Grief and Bereavement can also offer information, resources and recommend a practitioner in your area. Find out more at: http://www.grief.org.au/

You need to consider how you view your father. At 64-years of age he is an adult who probably does know better. Bear in mind that through death, your father is no longer married. He is not having affairs, he is having relationships and now seems to have found someone he considers special enough with whom to share his life and home. If he is spending any money, then it is his money to spend. If he is redecorating his home, it is his home to redecorate. Indeed, his new partner may also be putting her money into this relationship, giving her the right to have a say in how the house is decorated. Use this redecoration exercise as a positive step, consider if there’s anything from the house which particularly reminds you of your mum, which you would like to have in your own home.

Talk to your father, as an adult, not a petulant child, about how he’s feeling and if he is going off the rails, as you think, or simply getting on with his life. Any conversation needs to be conducted in a non-confrontational way. Relationships Australia can help you work through your issues and give you guidance about how to broach the subjects. To find out more about Relationships Australia, visit http://www.relationships.com.au/

Dianne, what is important is that you remember that your mum loved you and she loved your dad. Your dad is the person who knew her best, the person who shares your memories of your mum and is the lifelong link you with have with the woman who meant the world to you. A new coat of paint and your dad having fun isn’t enough to throw all that way.