There is no easy answer to your predicament but hopefully you now have the tools and information to get things on track and find the solution that works for you both. As well as those organisations listed above, there are details of a few more below that you may wish to consider contacting.

Good luck Pauline. The requirements and demands of ageing parents are never straightforward, but this challenge also sometimes presents an opportunity for a closer, yet different, relationship; one that may ultimately prove the most rewarding of all.



Alzheimer’s Australia - www.alzheimers.org.au

Beyond Blue – www.beyondblue.org.au

Carers Australia – www.carersaustralia.com.au

Families Australia - www.familiesaustralia.org.au

Relationships Australia - www.relationships.com.au

[size=3][/size][color=blue][/color]

I had this problem with my Father but over came it quite easy. I approached the local Lions Club and asked them if they had any young members who would like to mow the lawn or wash windows for payment from my Father ....with the money going towards the charity of choice that the Lions Club were helping. This made my Father feel as if he was still involved with the community and his money was helping a worthwhile cause.



It kept my Father's self esteem as he didn't feel as if he was having to ask for help because he couldn't manage things. The young person became a regular visitor and the exchanges of conversation and meetings gave Dad another venue for discussion with our family.



Everybody was a winner......Maybe there is a group where your Mother lives that could offer the same service with the payment going to a charity. Hope all goes well, Jennie

Pauline, you are certainly not alone in this and I really feel for you as my husband has a similar problem, only his mother aged 91 is half the world away in the UK and has refused all help from everyone, including her UK relatives, for years. She wouldn't even let them in the house and only a forced entry by one of them recently has discovered her appalling living conditions, so the crisis point has now been reached and we are trying to negotiate with local council and services in the UK, with very little idea of how things work over there. My husband is the official next of kin and modern privacy issues have complicated things no end, We are aged pensioners ourselves here in Oz, and are going to have to fund a major trip over there in the next few days to deal with what is an extremely distressing situation for all concerned.

This is a really distressing situation and there don't seem to be any easy answers. However, remember to leave your mother with her dignity and self-esteem. There is nothing worse than the feeling that other people are determining your future. If you have a relationship with your mother's friends, it might be possible to get one of them to have a chat with her. It is much more acceptable to receive advice from your peers, and it can be done in a non-confrontational way because often the person advising has had similar experiences with their family.



Can you introduce a cleaner/carer whatever, to your mother, as a friend. It might take a couple of visits, before the "friend" can ask if your mother would mind if she visited her occasionally, and it can progress from there?



Make sure that you mother has information in her handbag about her medications, emergency contact numbers, address and any other information that may prove of assistance. Talking to her doctor is certainly a good idea to ensure that she is not becoming a danger to herself.. Arm yourself with as much information as possible, and the previous links will certainly be a good basis.



Whatever you do, remember you are dealing with a person, not just your mother, and give her the respect that she deserves.



First and foremost though, look after yourself, you're no use to anyone if you run yourself ragged.

Pauline, I feel for you so much. My mother is 89 and suffering dementia, she needs 24hour care now but refuses. Although my sister and I have arranged carers to come in everyday, she hates that and continually threatens to lock them out of the granny flat where she lives.

Recently mum was admitted to hospital, my sister and I were told that she needed to be placed in a high care facility and that decision should be made for her. HOW, we cant do that, because she has times when we can have a pleasent lucid conversation with her and its evident she knows whats happening and knows where she is, we cant do that to her. It would be cruel. My thinking now on this subject, is the importance of talking to my own family about myself and what to do with me when I get older. Having checked out and booked my Mother into a care facility, my own children now know that I'm happy for them to make the desicion for me when the time comes. They also know which care facilities I dont like, and would be unhappy if forced to live there. What a shame that my Mothers generation were always so unapproachable about this subject. My sister and I do try and have a conversation with our Mother but its impossible, now we will soon have to make that desicion for her.

There are times when we have to employ "tough love" - you know what is best, even if your older parent does not want to accept it. You know, and you worry about their mental and physical health. That is when you have to act.

I feel for Pauline. I have a mother who lives in the eastern states very close to my brother and I, like Pauline's brother, live in WA. My mother is totally blind and still lives on her own. She also flatly refuses to go into an aged care facility but she does at least accept help around the house. Someone cleans for her once a week and my brother takes her shopping once a week, to church on Sunday and to any doctor's appointments. He probably sees her three times a week at most.



Mum is very with it and has a phenomenal memory. She went blind about 5-6 years ago when she had a bleed in her only eye. She lost the other eye some 40 years ago. She has now commenced learning a reading system called Moon. She wanted to learn Braille but was told it was probably too hard for an 87 year old, however she is doing very well with the Moon but is still determined to learn braille as this will allow her to use her computer again if she gets a braille keyboard.



It is not easy for us in WA to travel to the east all the time. We have families of our own and lives of our own to lead and finances do not always allow multiple trips to and from. My husband and I took Mum on a ten day cruise earlier this year so that my brother and his wife could take a break. Fortunately Mum owns her own home and was able to afford the fare for herself. We flew to Sydney and Mum flew into Sydney from where she lives. QANTAS were marvellous and even delivered her, in a wheelchair, to us at the baggage collection carousel. Mum is coming to stay with us for a month early next year prior to our going overseas.



I feel bad that my brother has to be the one to help most of the time but it is unreasonable of me to expect my husband to sell up our house, leave our family and move over to be near Mum. There are too many variables in the situation.

To Pauline

who has had some great advice-take it, you must make the decison for your self & your family's well being. We didn't until nearly too late by which time our mother had a fall broke her hip placed in hosptial & rehabilitation but too late. with no time to adjust or learn to accept much care she just lost interest in living & despite the wonderful docrtors & nurses at the rehabilitation hosptial she died. If she'd gone into a low care facility sooner she may not have had the fall & been on the floor in the cold for some hours!

I then a year later did retraining for a career (at 57) I graduated as a Personal Care Worker(QLD) (A.I.N) & worked as an In home Carer for the next 5 years. the most worthwhile & purposeful five years of my working life but often quite stressful. However some of the clients who'd been 'difficult' about accepting help in 'shwoering, shopping & housework when I said I'm retiring were really upset as what were they going to do without me! Needless to say others in the organisation I worked for took care of them but several I'd had to do the iniatial hello I'm your friend here to help you! When one of my dear elderly gents with dementia was finally too 'dangerous to himself' to live alone- I & his guardian talked him in to having a 'holiday' which he is still having ina lovley 'safe' facility. I told him I was going on holidays too which I did I retired! yes there are times we have to make the hard decsions but everyone's health benefitted & you can reagian your family too.

Hope it will/has worked out for you best of luck take care

Viv

Hi Pauline. How lucky is your mother to have someone to care about her wellbeing, There are some lovely retirement villages if that would suit her situation, and there are good nursing homes with low and high care. It would depend what the doctor would advise. Everyone is right that you must not wear yourself out otherwise you are no good to your mother or your family. I wish you were my daughter. I'd go into a good home without another thought if I had the money. The doctor would be your greatest advisor as he would know your mother's state of health. Independence is a wonderful thing but the time comes when many of us have to give it up. I know I'd hate to but there it is. If I had to, I'd shrug my shoulders and think well, here is another experience. Good luck to you, Pauline. You deserve a pat on the back.



Nor-thur

Take her to her doctor and explain.

Or

Take her to Centrelink and leave her there.

She is not your problem

This is why we pay tax.

Your life is more important........hers is almost over.

Kennet closed most of the places that could have helped.

Another thing worth a try is to go into a park or shopping centre and then dial 000 for an ambulance and tell them she is ill and needs help now.

Nor-thur here. Pauline, how are you and have you been able to work something out for your mother?

We forgot to mention that if she does own her home, it may be the reason she doesn't want to leave it. Once you are in care, that's it and there is usually no going back. After speaking of this problem to others, it seems that their parents loved their homes and refused to leave them. The doctor was advised prior to a visit and he said he'd try to explain that her health had become a huge problem and was wearing the family out from worrying about her.

The hostel accommodation of a nursing home are usually very nice and the rooms, larger so they can accommodate some of your mother's favourite furniture and her special chair. Most have their own ensuites and there is usually some room where you can join others for painting, singing, etc. Some even have a small bus that takes the clients out on short trips.

One has to enquire about everything and get it all in writing. Don't take it as said; get it in print.

The combination of your doctor's advice and Centrelink who are good, hopefully you will be able to settle your mother and yourself.

Please let us all know how you are?