Q. Aileen

Almost 40 years ago my husband and I separated and he had a relationship which resulted in him fathering a daughter. We got back together before the child was born and he did the right thing by the woman, putting his name on the birth certificate as the father and offering to pay for the child’s upkeep. When his daughter was two years old, the mother married and her new husband adopted his child as his own.

My husband and I carried on and have been relatively happy, however, my husband has just turned 70 and now wants to try and contact his daughter. The grandparents still live in the same house they did when she was born, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to get in touch. Of course, whether they would give him her details is another matter.

I don’t have a problem with him trying to contact his daughter, in a way I think I always knew this would happen, but the issue is our grown up children as we never told them he had another child. I’m not sure what to tell them as I think they will feel we have lied to them. Part of me would like to prevent him from trying to find her, but I know this is unfair and would cause troubles in our marriage. Another part of me thinks that as he may not be able to make contact with her then perhaps we don’t need to tell them until we know for sure.

I know lies and omissions have a habit of coming back to haunt you, so how best should we tackle the issue?

A. I couldn’t agree more and what you don’t say is usually just as damaging as deliberately telling a lie. However, I can understand your apprehension at approaching your children with this news. You don’t say whether your children were born at the time of your separation, or were old enough to understand what was going on, but they’re adults now and should comprehend that all marriages and relationships go through difficult times.

You should be as direct as possible with them as being vague or flustered will only cause confusion and unnecessary worry. Ask them to your home and simply explain the situation as you did to me. This thing happened, but also your husband did the right thing by the woman so he really doesn’t have anything to be ashamed about and nor do you. Yes, maybe you should have told your children sooner, but when was the time right to raise the issue? You should be prepared for your children to be hurt and confused, but you should answer any questions they have honestly and calmly. Getting angry or defensive won’t help the situation, but you must also be firm, as this is really an issue for you and your husband.

Before your husband starts the search for his daughter, I would recommend some counselling. Given that your husband’s name was on the birth certificate and you still live close to her extended family, I can only assume that she has no interest in contacting your husband and therefore he may well be disappointed. This disappointment can be crushing and he should consider the consequences before he embarks on his quest. I would also contact the equivalent Department for Human Services in your state and ask for support groups or specialised counsellors in your area.

It is also possible that the woman’s family has chosen not to tell her about her father and if she finds out, she may not welcome this news, coming from him, and it could cause her issues with her own family. Your husband may need to accept that when he signed off on the adoption, he did actually sign away his rights to have contact with his child.

Whatever your husband decides to do, I wish you well and hope it all turns out for the best. He is lucky to have such a thoughtful and caring wife.