DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31/*

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new
home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows
how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I
watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13/*

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.

September 30th/*

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher
today, but I love it here.

October 10th/*

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I
expected.

October 15th/*

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60%
of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do!
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th/*

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left
for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after
work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes
and cat pee. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this
heat.

October 25/*

This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant effing blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he
needs to order parts from Perth.

October 30th/*

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived
for the effing aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for
three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4/*

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8/*

If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going
to throttle him. Effing heat! By the time I get to work,
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking effing
wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9/*

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the
black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my effing bum was
on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my
legs and my effing bum. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried
bum and baked cat!

November 10/*

Weather report! It might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and effing sunny! It's been too hot to do
anything for two effng months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place.
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might
just dry up and blow into the pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the effing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for
fear of swallowing half a dozen of the buggers!

November 20th/*

Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 effing degrees today. Now the air
conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
twit.. Bloody Newman! What kind of sick, demented effing idiot
would want to live here!

December 1/*