A smile to end the day.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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Yeah, we try :-)

A Jewish man goes to a rabbi and asks the rabbi, “Rabbi, what should I do? I raised my boy to be a good Jewish boy and he became a Christian. What should I do?”

The rabbi says, “Funny you should ask. I’m a rabbi and I too raised my boy Jewish. My son went to the orthodox school and after he became a Christian.”

The man asks the rabbi, “What did you do?”

“I asked God.”

“What did he say?”

“God said, ‘Funny you should ask…"

A few more quotes and insults attributed to Winston Churchill



In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

• The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.

• Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

• A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.

• There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

• The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

• He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)

• He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

• If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)

• Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.

Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

• Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.

Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

• Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.

Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

He is one of those orators of whom it was well said. Before they get up, the do not know what they are going to say; when they are speaking, they do not know what they are saying; and when they have sat down, they do not know what they have said

On Lord Charles Beresford

A sheep in sheep's clothing

On Clement Atlee

A modest man, who has much to be modest about

On Clement Atlee

An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out

On Clement Atlee

He delivers his speech with an expression of wounded guilt

On Stafford Cripps

He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened

On Stanley Baldwin

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last

On Neville Chamberlain

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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