Every day we are faced with new challenges, some easier to deal with than others. YOURLifeChoices, with the help of our panel of experts, hopes to assist subscribers with some of the more challenging dilemmas they may encounter. 

Q. Tony
I consider that my wife and I have had a very happy marriage over the last 30 years. Sure, as with any other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs but have managed to weather the storm and, until recently, I thought we complemented each other rather well. Spurred on by her friends, my wife has been reading 50 Shades of Grey on her Kindle. Now I understand that the content of the book is quite erotic, but it has completely changed my wife’s personality.  At first I was all for it as I thought it might bring a little sparkle into the bedroom, but she never puts her Kindle down, is always giggling on the phone with her friends and is making obscure references about our sex life in comparison with what goes on in the book. It seems to me as though the intimacy in our lives has been replaced by fantasy.

I’m no prude, but I do feel left out and slightly emasculated by my wife. I have always encouraged her to have her own pastimes, but I am not finding coping with this one easy.  Should I just let it run it’s course or should I confront my wife with my feelings?

A. Tony, indeed 50 Shades of Grey has become a literary sensation amongst women, with many men not being let in on the secret. And while I haven’t read the book myself, I feel I don’t need to. With all the press and media it has been receiving, I am more than aware of the content.

Firstly, I think you need to consider what is really annoying you about your wife’s new found lust for literature. You quite openly state that you thought it might do wonders for your sex life, but as this apparently hasn’t been the case, are you simply miffed that you are not enjoying the ‘benefits’?

Women have been enjoying erotic fiction for several decades, often in secret, but the development of e-readers, such as Kindle, has made it more accessible and less embarrassing. You most likely see your wife only as a sexual being in the context of your own relationship and the fact that she is exploring her own sexuality without you, may be confronting. However, be honest with yourself. How many times in the last 30 years have you flicked through Playboy, or equivalent, and never given so much as a passing thought as to how your wife would feel?

Also, you talk about confronting your wife with your feelings. Whatever happened to an open and honest discussion? If you have weathered the many storms that couples typically face, then surely you can discuss how you are feeling without the need for confrontation?

I may sound harsh, but I do understand that it is difficult for you to feel excluded from the fun your wife is having with her friends. If she is indeed belittling you, or making you feel intimidated, then this is something you need to discuss.

Also, we often have a fear or mistrust of something we know little about, or don’t understand. Can I suggest picking up a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and reading it yourself? With knowledge of the content you will be able to have a more open and useful discussion with your wife and she won’t be able to blindside you with obscure references. Once you understand what all the fuss is about, you may well be able to join in your wife’s little jokes and have a giggle together about some of the acts described in the book. However, you should be careful not to force your point of view on your wife, as I’m sure she is more than capable of making up her own mind about what she chooses to read.